Thursday, January 22, 2009

Colin: The Christening

So, last weekend Mary decided to put me and Colin and, for extra fun, Aunt Mollie, though living hell. Another way of saying it was, Colin has his Christening.

Fortunately for Mollie, the hell was only last weekend. Unfortunately for me and the boy, we had two straight weekends of hell. You see, the weekend before last was "Colin's Christening: The Erranding". Yup, in order to do The Christening, we had to run all the Errands in support of The Christening the weekend before. I'm not even going into the weeks of planning that went into planning before even "Colin's Christening: The Erranding" could take place.

So, we assembled last Friday, me, Mary, Colin and Mollie, at the house to head over to Wolf Run, where Mary's parents live. We started off late because I hadn't decided to pack 'til that evening. Strike One.

We got on the road and began yukking it up as we're prone to do. I missed the exit to 70, and then later, the exit off of 70 to get to Wolf Run. Strikes Two and Three.

THEN, to top it off, I hit the country roads a bit faster than I should have. Turns out, the counties in Eastern Ohio aren't able to afford road salt. So, they spray more water on the roads, figuring a good way to generate revenue will be to tow folks who go off of the road back onto the icy deathtrap roads.

That's right, I RAN OFF THE ROAD INTO A SNOWY FIELD. Strike Four. To exacerbate things, I didn't stop in the field, I kept on driving figuring there would have to be a way out of this icy hellscape. WRONG.

30 minute later, an Ohio trooper showed up. He was sure I was drunk. Can't say as I blame him. Once he figured out I was sober he actually said, "You ain't that bright, are ya boy?" And then the theme from "Deliverance" cranked up from his car.

Had to wait and pay $75 for Clem's Towing and Taxidermy to haul us out of the field. I'm sure he was kind enough to give me the "putz in field with an Obama sticker on his car" discount.

Needless to say, Strike Five.

We did arrive, safe and sound, in Wolf Run at 2AM. My beauty sleep was all blown to hell.

Anyway, Saturday was fairly uneventful. Mary did try and get into fisticuffs with the local grocer. Megan got new boots. Mary got new makeup. Mollie got new boots. I got a coke. Oh, and a heapin' helpin' of "WELL AT LEAST NO ONE ELSE HERE TRIED TO KILL US!!!!" Hmph.

To top the whole thing off, Colin screamed bloody murder throughout the entire ceremony, so THAT was nice.

Here's a partial record of this most joyous weekend.

First up, Colin and Megan ticklin' the ivories in the basement:

The two of 'em just goofin'.
Saturday night we made a big pot of Spaghetti. Mollie and I had a big helpin' of beers. Colin and Mollie played with Yonk's exercise ball in the basement:
Did I mention that Mollie's something of a sauce monster?
She tries to hide it, but no one's fooled. Time for an intervention if the dribbles down her shirt are any indication.
'course a drunk doesn't always know their strength:
Colin was fine, thankyouverymuch.
No comment on this one:
One of the highlights of "The Christening: The Erranding" was trying to find a white Christening suit for the boy. I'm sure most of you know this, but they really don't make those things for children that weigh 30 lbs and clock in at 2' 6". He's a little OLD for this ceremony by most standards. So we spent a weekend looking all over creation for a white suit. We settled on a white tux rental. Sadly, the thing made him look like a pimp. Sort of. The other thing, naturally, was that he wanted nothing to do with getting the whole getup on. So he's pictured here without the vest, spats, dress shoes, coat, top hat, cane and monocle. It would have been a great look.
He did survive the ordeal. Luckily enough, I left my camera in the kitchen for the actual ceremony. I don't think y'all would have enjoyed video and pictures of Colin screaming bloody murder and crying his eyes out. Megan caught some of it - I'll post it when I get it.
Once he saw that there was food involved, he was all smiles.
In the picture above, you can see where the wax melted onto Amy's suit jacket from the candle she was holding. I think adding fire into the mix really livens things up.
Now, onto the video. First up, Mollie tortures Colin:

I honestly don't know what to say about that.

As a former headbanger, I *think* I'm supposed to be happy about this:

One never knows.

Mollie and the boy share a tune:

More Mollieball:

She's gotta help with toughening him up, what can I say?

Colin enjoys Daddy's spaghetti:

After the ceremony, the boy gets chatty:

Finally, my favorite video of the trip, Colin discovers the piano (apologies for the focus!):

So there you have it. It was really a great time had by all, aside from my horrible driving. Everyone had a great time - family memories that will remain. Once I get the pics from the actual ceremony, I'll post 'em.
Stay classy.

Friday, January 9, 2009


Don't really know what to say about this game.

Other than, well, HELLLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Aren't that terribly original?

Sunshine of the Eternal Shiner

So last Sunday (1/4/09), we're out having brunch with Mollie. A hipster place down in Northside called Honey. Very hip crowd. VERY good brunch. Colin is the only child in the joint. He's mostly well behaved, but toward the end he got a bit restless and decided to start running about the joint. I got up from my crab cakes Benedict to sort of supervise - you know, keep him out of the wait staff's way, keep anything breakable from breaking, etc. The door is wooden with a large pane of glass in the middle, and a bar mechanism that operates the lock. He thought the bar is teh kewlest thing evar, and decided to start running from our table to the door and operating the mechanism. All's well, right? Nothing broken, Mommy and Mollie enjoying a grown-up conversation about .....whatever it is skirts talk about, hipsters smiling at the precocious child laughing and running about.

And then it all went horribly wrong. In a hurry. On what became his last wind sprint toward the door, the boy trips on the carpet and does a full-on faceplant into the wooden base of the door. The sound of his noggin hitting that door was like the sound made when a melon smacks on pavement from a precarious drop. AWFUL. As soon as he hits, everyone in the joint says, "OOOOH!" at the same time. The boy is stunned initially, but then, understandably, begins the crying. I pick him up and in the span of time it took me to walk from the door to the table, he's got a goose egg that's grown to the size of a jumbo egg.

To the restaurant's credit, everyone snaps to - we've got a bag of ice and the bill paid inside of 90 seconds and we're off to the nearest (or so we thought) hospital. Suffice to say, Mollie doesn't know where Children's hospital is. At all. By the time we were ready to pass the second hospital on our odyssey, the goose egg has grown to a full-on mongoloid brow. So we pulled into Christ hospital. And we can't find the emergency room. Took us a good 15 minutes to find the place. We finally find the check-in desk, get checked in and wait. And wait. And waitandwaitandwaitandwaitandwaitandwaitandwait. THREE HOURS. By this time, Jr's forgotten about the second head / bruise growing out of his melon, and is bored stiff with the lack of toys in the room. So we decide to leave. ENOUGH! Naturally, at the time that we're out the door, the doctor shows up. Looks him over for 2 minutes, declares the boy is fit as a fiddle and we're free to go.

So I had to take pictures, right? These don't do any justice to the size of this thing. It keeps spreading each day - now it's down around his left eye.
These are day of the incident.
Incident Day + 2 (Tuesday evening):
That's a grape in his mouth in these pictures.
Incident Day + 3 (Wednesday evening):
So, we've learned that the boy has a hard head, and can take a fall. Good to know. Despite the horror described above, he really is tip-top now. Aside from the ugliness of the bruise, you'd never know that anything ever happened.
SO, that was the first trip to the ER of '09.